Today is Saturday and thankfully I had a nice break. It was a chill day, but I need to start homework as soon as I finish this post. I just want to get everything out, so much is going on that I haven’t been able to even process, deal with or think about.
School has been insane. This semester has started to crush me. This semester is so much more difficult than the past three. Sixteen credits and enrolled in seventeen for next semester. Let’s cross our fingers that I can handle it better going forward with this semester and next semester.
My relationship is crumbling. Long-distance is so hard, I want to be able to really share things. I want my boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder if it was smart to get into this military, long distance and serious relationship-then I think, it wasn’t smart, I didn’t have a choice. He was it for me. We fight regularly and things aren’t working very well, I wonder if he is not it for me anymore, maybe just not right now. The idea and possibility of re-enlistment in a little over a year is always lurking. My step-dad thinks it is not the right situation and I deserve better than more long-distance and another/more deployment(s). I know I don’t deserve that, but Derek and I have something really special. Something I’m not sure I would have with someone else. I’ve never had this before, I’ve never had someone like him and I’m terrified to be without it/him. Not only the re-enlistment, but we also are not getting along right now. I’m tremendously stressed right now and recently he has not be a help at all, actually somewhat more of a nuisance. I’m not sure if its him or me, but something is not working. I don’t know what to do.
Work these past couple of weeks have been nuts. We are doing windows and Christmas decorating. This week I think I am working >35 hours and school and Derek, friends are completely out. I do everything the best I can, I just hope it is good enough. I really hope I get hired as a freelancer after the internship is over. I would love to keep working there, it is an amazing opportunity. I hope I am proving myself, I would be devastated if my days there were limited to less than a month. I really enjoy my time there and I think I am doing a good job.
I am turning twenty years old in sixteen days. My teens are almost over, that is so weird to me. I guess I really need to grow up. Growing up terrifies me.
In three weeks I will be moving into my first apartment outside of student housing. Mom will be paying for my half, but it will be so much better than living in the dorms. I’m moving in with my sister. I’m actually so excited to move. The preparation is going to be insane, between school contracts, application, lease signing, packing, etc. All things I have no time for. I never have time. I guess I packed to move into the last apartment in a few hours. I can do it, I’m just not sure when. This place will be ours, our home. I want to decorate it and make it ours.
This semester I have really stopped hanging out with my friends. I never have time and now we aren’t all living in one building. I hate that I don’t see them. I miss them so much. I also miss my friends at home. I need them in my life, but they don’t fit. Nothing fits besides my internship and school. I hate this.